Wherever thorns may Grow.

Yes, I am horribly aware that what I say has a great impact on people, depending on the circumstances. I realise that what I can say maybe hurtful to my loved ones, I say these things to protect myself from hurt, It feels like I want to be that invincible, I want to be bullet proof, I must stand tall and be the one who does the best at, being the best.

I forget it's that desire that makes it so I forget everyone Else's feelings, touchy subjects etc.
So, my defensive mechanism outweighs the care and love I have for others. It sucks, because I still don't really know what to do about it, except see the psychologist.
It hurts, it hurts. It digs, burns my heart.

Last night I said something quite offensive to someone I really care about. Because I wanted to feel justified for my actions. I wish I could take it back, I wish I could apologize, and mean it, and.. I can't, not because I don't feel guilty and like a fuckhead, but because apologies only work if the person feels like they can forgive, and no one can do that easily.

I realise that, I feel seperate from most people is because those people have less to protect, they are more able to love than hide. The more I have to protect, the less I can unleash my love for others.
The bigger my ego, the more I want to justify my stupid actions, the more I need to lie and hurt people, the less I will be able to love, to trust, to forgive, to play, to go forward with people and relationships. It's my desire to want to be at the top that is keeping me at rock-bottom.

I noticed that when someone tries to talk to me about a subject, I will try to raise my words louder than theirs, I try to rephrase what they've said in a better sentence, better english language format, making it sound easier and better for me, I will try to make it sound different, change the subject a little, be sarcastic, anything that avoids proper conversation, simply, not connecting. I want them to first offer friendliness, then I want to show how much better I am at that, which isn't fair at all. Especially when whatever I try to make something sound better, It usually doesn't. At all.
So, thats what happens with people, I protect myself by justifying my actions to seem like it's okay, or I try to just sound better, thus being protected, and closed from that person and many others.

I also think that the idea is to balance it out, obviously everyone has a urge and sense that they need to protect themselves from people, people they don't appeal to.
The idea is to gain enough perspective on both the postive and negative at an equal size. See them both for how they are, so you can see it as a whole. Instead of just seeing half an individual, one sided. Either good or evil, for god or the devil, rebel or goody two-shoes.
Once it comes into equal, the both yin and yang fully connected and acting in harmony, peace of mind body and spirit occurs. That's where true learning and experience is.

So, now where do I expand? stupid question...