Escape

I saw my new naturopath today. Going all the way down to jandakot to see a student colleague was okay, but the distance takes up time, time I can't spend on trains.
Her name is Conny, and she is quite bright. Bright like me.
The most concerning issue for me, which always has been, is anxiety, stress and depression or regression. So she took down my family history, diet and lifestyle. Tested my zinc level, blood pressure and pulse, and looked into my eye as a part of iridology. (apparently a certain ring around my eye that relates to stress is all wonky and fucked up, instead of being a ring.)

We got to talk a little bit about what my anxiety was about, I explained that it felt tight and constricting, and that It was from being in the presence of people, particularly around people I liked, as for those i'm not anxious around is more because I know that they are harmless =P.
She told me that when I was in the midst of an attack, that people cannot see it, and that it was quite common for people with bad anxiety. I Instantly went "YEAH!!" I had been thinking earlier that it was quite possible people couldn't see it, however, knowing that probably won't help so much. For the time being, I guess it's more settling to know that I'm not as transparent as I thought.

I have been looking, ever since I first had these kinds of anxiety attacks, mood swings and depressive bouts for days on end, to find an escape, to find a cure that will bring me out of the coffin it seems to encase me in, to "bring me to life".
These feelings stop be from doing what I want, and being who I like. While I have experienced the fruits of being unbound, I always seem to fall right back.
Conny said that it's most probable that I may never stop going back to it... and this confirmed that perhaps there will never be an escape. I can manage it, and I will be free, but I think I already knew that I would always have this, everyone does, however everyone has a different but similar experience of the same thing, so perhaps my own version of this regression is maybe worse, maybe better, regardless it is mine. I will manage it in whatever way I can and still eat delicious fruit.

I thought, "how can anyone ever love me with this regression? As long as I'm in that frame of mind, then I cannot open at all. I don't feel free, therefore no one can do the same for me."
I can't help but think of a particular person, and what she said to me. Whatever it was, I know it needs clarification because I think I'm stuck otherwise.