for amber waves of snacks.
For purple globs of cellulite,
which dimple your giant ass!
America, America!
God shed his caloric intake on thee!
And crown thy huge,
with tons of food,
from seam to bulging seam!
I watched a program recently called “The 1000 Pound Man”, which focused on a man who literally broke the scale by weighing in at over a millennia. Seriously, this fucking human waterbed was able to literally consume enough food that he now weighs more than a small Honda.
About mid-way through the show, while he’s lying in bed with a bucket of KFC at the ready, he has the nerve to suggest that his rapid weight acceleration is a direct result of some sort of genetic malfunction.
Look asshole, unless you’re the product of a really bad (yet hilarious) joke that God decided to play, you have no genetic flaw that forces you over the 1000 pound mark. I don’t care if your DNA has an extra crispy chromosome smothered in bacon fat, if you're that titanic in size, it’s a direct result of nothing less than shoveling huge quantities of food into your maw with no regard for your own well-being.
This problem isn’t limited just this one man. America is collectively overflowing with giant, fucking masses of big, fat, slobs, oozing redundant protoplasm from every seam and hemline. They are are so collectively disgusting that they can use terms like “man-tits” as if it’s normal for a guy to have a sagging pair of udders dangling from his chest.
And don’t get me started on these fucking female whales who think that it’s not only okay to be a gargantuan, mass of mobile cellulite, but that it’s also acceptable to wear clothing that accentuates their enormous asses while claiming to be "voluptuous", and exhausting my gag reflexes.
Look, fat bitch, there’s a difference between gut busting and voluptuous. For those of you whom are uncertain, I’ll demonstrate…
Salma Heyek…
is voluptuous.
Selma Jones from the hair salon…
is fucking disgusting.
Get the picture yet, you fucking cows?
Look, I’m not totally insensitive. I understand that there are indeed certain medical misfortunes which manifest themselves in the form of rapid, uncontrollable weight gain. These problems, however, are few and far between.
Too many people are blaming their big, bulbous asses and guts that sag below the belt line on some sort of genetic deformity, and it needs to stop. Nine times out of ten it’s not a medical condition that has caused these fucking beasts to balloon past the 300 pound mark, but rather the fact that they consume titanic fucking portions of the shittiest substances that mankind has the audacity to call food.
And then, they make their kids fat, too.
You know, when I was a kid McDonald’s was a big deal. If I got Mickey D’s it meant that I either got some outstanding fucking grades, or managed to go a few days without kicking the shit out of the retarded kid in my class. ( In my defense, that kid was a fucking mean little shit, and deserved it.).
These days, the little bastards fucking expect McDonald’s like they’ve got a personal burger chef at the wait. And the parents of these fat shits would much rather appease the hungry little motherfuckers than actually give a shit about their well-being for fear that they’ll have to listen to them whine a little bit.
It’s pathetic, and what they now have is a country full of morbidly obese, horrible parents, piling up their kids into their Olympic-sized S.U.V’s, and flocking to the nearest fast food joint to stuff themselves and their kids to the brink of implosion with shit that most people wouldn’t feed their fucking dog.
Just look at this poor fat fuck…
Why is there no point in which the parent of this fat ass kid stops and thinks, “You know, maybe it’s NOT a coincidence that little Eddie at 8 years-old weighs more than a large home appliance, and we feed him this vile fucking garbage six times a day”?
Wake up, America. While you'se are sucking down 62-ounce sodas and eating family-sized meals for one, the rest of the world are bursting their spleens open with laughter. It’s fucking embarrassing, it pisses me off, and it should fucking piss you off too, you fucking atrocious, colassal, immense mother fuckers.
Get out and exercise, put down the Big Macs, eat a fucking apple, and stop being such a goddamn grotesque blob.
Or just keep on doing what you're doing and die of congestive heart failure at age 40. At least then, you'll clear another spot off in the population for someone who potentially gives a shit about the world not pointing and laughing.
0 comments:
Post a Comment