Pressure

This whole no job and no money and fuckloads of debts thing is really starting to worry me.
Stressing me out.
I mean.. as much training and oppurtunities there are out there, they all require money to actually enroll.
I currently have a 2200 credit card debt that doesn't want to dissapear, and I really wish it would.
I have applied for 6 different jobs today, realising that in each one there was a slight spelling error because I missed a couple of words when I was editing the letter (you fucking idiot!)
I also had a interview earlier today for a support worker role. The interviews are rather intense on you as a person, as you're personality must be fit to support whacked-out individuals.
I'm pretty sure I can make people happy, and I am sure that I can set people in the right direction. I just seem to be having problems in doing that myself.
I don't believe that should mean I can't help others, the only problem I have right now is that fucking credit card, everything else is completely fine.
Except the fact I still can't communicate with people very well, and yes, I have decided to blame this on some of my friends, because they are all stuck in the same fucking loop as I am, and this paticular loop draws you in with communication, if you're open minded enough you can be drawn into this way of getting people to draw out their personal problems sutbly in their speech, the initiator does this by asking certain questions which, sub-conciously, the answers are compared with their own.
Thus, making the other person in this conversation, reveal certain aspects of themselves in a certain way that makes them... weird. Very weird.
I get out of this loop every now and then, and I fucking love it when I do, but I find that the more I hang around these friends, the more it comes back.
I guess I can't blame their stupidity, when I still have the choice of not hanging around them, but if I made that choice, they would feel a uncertainty about themselves, why one of the most seemingly awesome members of the group suddenly "leaves" and starts having a different life. Fuck I seem paranoid but honestly.. I am right about this.
Maybe It's not them, If I can manage to develop my own strengths and personality SOMEHOW without the aid of LSD, they will follow suite.
I have read in the book HE that a man either has moods, or feelings. Moods are when the feminine within him is messed up, and gets the man into bad states of mind such as confusion and depression, where as feelings are the complete opposite.
This made me realise that I am in a constant mood, whether happy or sad, a mood can be happy as well, but this seems to be much more dangerous than a sad mood.
A man is sucked into these moods by way of his feminine structure, there are different parts within a mans femininity, and these parts help a man when in proper place, but when they are mixed together they cause destruction.
From memory (I lent the book to Scott) Theres the Mother Complex, the Inner feminine, The feminine part of god, and the flesh and blood mother.
The mother complex is the mans desire to be looked after by a mother, this is kind of like a poison to a mans masculinity, the inner feminine is the mans inner passion and drive to be wisdomic, awesome, and compassionate, the drive behind the wheel that is the man himself. The feminine part of god, is exactly what it says, in the book, the example used is a female worshipped by the jews, but to me its the feminine part of enthusiasm, same thing..
then ofcourse the flesh and blood mother (I may have gotten this one wrong..) but from my understanding she is the one who sets the stage for when the man faces his ultimate task, to ask who the grail serves.
The way a mother lets go of her boy on his quest for the grail, is the way he will ask who the grail serves.
The book gives you a couple of examples of what happens when these inner parts of the feminine are mixed, and lets you discover the others for youreself. When these are mixed, a man will not see a flesh and blood woman for the human miricale she is.
Moods are created by the different mixes of the inner feminine.
When I get the book back.. I will describe the examples from there and in my own life, and with it I will be able to describe my own inner mixes..

In closing...
well, I think that this topic isnt closed until I describe.
So until then..
This blog will be updated when I get the book back.
Peace.