Lately I have felt distant from the people I see, my companion being one of them, I have found my friends to be quite aimless, there's a huge lack of understanding between us, it feels like there is no room to grow because none of us give eachother the room to.
How comfortable with ourselves fully relates to how comfortable you are with others. I find that my friends keep trying to get somewhere, trying to understand something, I find that I too do this, it's like chasing an imaginary car, an understanding that just isn't there.
I keep chasing, and I know it's not there, I can feel that this chase is long-term unless I find understanding as to why I am chasing an imaginary car.
This imaginary car, to me, is peace with myself and others, I keep chasing an idea that things can be better, and as I have said before, just chasing this dream is futile until I understand why.
So, why?
I have noticed that this form of chasing can be replicated into other people, it's odd how it happens, one seems to constantly question the person in a sort of sense that will bring that person down to this chase, it doesn't even need questioning, but it's the curiosity of thinking that each other person has something that they don't have. I keep thinking that a few of the people I know have something I don't, and it's not that I envy it so much, it's more of a desire to know what they have.
This leads to me thinking im an "individual" someone who unconciously holds themselves back from others because they think they are so seperate, that they have something that the other doesn't, it forms a boundry between them.
In my life, this causes people to give me funny looks sometimes, and it feels rather embarresing.
Why do I hold myself back from others?
Am I just embarresed of myself? is that how I was brought up to think about myself? the self that isn't actually real? Really?
What else could it be?
I have found recently that I can get myself into just being a lot more smoothly, I feel less fuzzy because I have more trust about my own instinct, my own knowledge, and I am stopping to believe that people have something that I don't. How can they have something I wan't? It doesn't seem possible for other human beings to keep something away from me.
Only I can keep myself away from others. So me wanting something from them means I wan't something from myself. I see the same hunt in them as I do me, because I indentify with that trait everywhere. The boundry of this knowledge seems so thick because I have obsessed about thinking I am missing the essence of human nature. It seemed so unfair and unreasonable, and I became jelous of those people.
I can realise that every human is born the same, we all have a body, a mind, and our connection to the human essence. Our bodies and minds are merely a harness to the essence.
I think that if a person is ignorant enough, just enough, they can be pulled into the same type of hunt within us, a desire that won't ever be quenched. I have watched myself ask questions that probably relate back to what they have that I don't, the way I act says that they have something I want, and if they believe they can give it to me, then they become lost, maybe temporarily, or become entrapped for a long time. Who knows, but thinking someone else has something will not get me anywhere.
I feel anxious quite often because of this trait within me, the boundry that I fiend to destroy, that itself means I cannot destroy it.
But I believe being aware of this is just enough for me to eventually understand fully, and go into deeper being.
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