Knowledge?

Knowledge, what I know to be good.
What I know to be good is what I have learned throughout most of my childhood.
I learned what is good from everyone around me, my parents, and friends. Generally, I am a good person, I try to be kind to others, and I am not violent towards anyone.
On the inside, I ask myself "if I feel rotten and shit, and my knowledge is that everything I do and have learned is good, then why do I feel like this?"
I have to look at my influences. Those main ones are my mother, father, step father and the people who I sorta hang around with now..
Everyone around me has decent knowledge of whats good, but like me not all of it is correct, when a persons true knowledge is not correct there will be suffering and boundries.
My mum was sick, and it got her a lot of love and care from all of my family members, could this be why I feel so sick now? My father is probably the most ignorant person I have ever known, as well as my step father. Is this why I struggle to just let my mind be free? instead of constantly going in the opposite direction of the way I want to be going?

How can any sane person, being me, actually think whats happening to me right now be good?'I suppose I am surviving.. but not very well. I am lazy, why? I think it's good for me to be lazy, why? so then I can sit and rest, and not worry about anything. Is this the correct way of dealing with things? no it isn't! Sitting back and letting everything fly past is stupid.
I think I am lazy because thats what was drilled into my skull, so many times. I feel powerless in helping situations because of my lack of effort. I keep thinking that people are going to criticize me for my effort in being active.
That's ... just "AAERGH"
So, I can stop worrying about the criticizm, because what they think about my help and effort shouldn't matter, as long as I'm conciously, and subconciously, making true effort to be helping and caring in all kinds of situations.
I am lazy because I don't care enough. I want to care, so I will care?
Why do I worry about the criticizm so much? just saying I wil stop worrying won't do it, while it's simple, and easy, and theres not much reason not to believe it, I feel that the boundry is much deeper than just an earbashing from my stepfather.
Why shouldn't I want to be lazy? It seems so good, having everything done for me was awesome, it feels like being a king. But, in reality it's making me feel like this. I was fine when I had a great job, I could just give out money and everything would be fine.
Now I am in debt, and everyone thinks I am a terribly wounded and unhappy person. Is that really how I appear?
I keep wondering why I get rejected in interviews. I have a good enough resume, I am well presented.
I just can't seem to talk, I can't seem to advertise how good I can be!
I can rattle off about what I did with Ansaldo, but even that doesn't really seem to grab their attention.
Is it because I believe I have nothing to advertise? I know from previous experience I can be a good worker, it's just a matter of settling into the job properly.
I think it is because I dont have anything to advertise.
I believe this to be true because it must seem like the right thing to do, but really, it isn't. Because it's not getting me what I need. What I need is a job, so I can pay for my life.
So I need to advertise what I do have, which is what?
I am honest, I am hardworking, I am trustworthy, and I will be reliable.
Why arent I reliable? at my previous job, I didn't even go into work some days purely because there was nothing to do at the job, and because I saw it as a way of just getting a day off.
I could, but as with any job, you are expected to go into work everyday, and do what you can, even if theres nothing to do, you do it there.
I know this, and it must change.
So I am reliable when I want to be, I can control that.
What else am I?
I like being social, always have, everyone does it! it must be good.
Is it? or is it just pointless.
I always see people conversing about whatever theyre doing, or about something in paticular, when I speak, it doesnt seem to catch anyones true attention, and if it does it seems wrong that they are listening. fuck, I don't even like what i say! I find it very boring, but what defines boring, exactly? When I speak, I talk about what i'm doing here. What am I doing here? what I think is good, and obviously what I think is good isn't very good at all, because if it were I would people would actually listen to me, and id have good conversations with people. I find myself boring because no one see's interest in me... Maybe my parents didn't take as much interest in me, and that led me to want to be seen so bad that I have to make myself unhappy, so I will get the interest.
The only way I have ever tried to get someones attention is by being an unhappy fuck, because I believe that it's the only way I can, when I try to be anything else I get no attention from the people I currently hang around with. When I am on great drugs however, the game completely changes, I become everything I want to be, drugs are like the awesome thing you can eat that will reduce my barriers to smouldering wrecks!
Unfourtunatly, thats why I am like this now too, I have been so high, that when I came down, I went further down instead of how I was when I first ingested these drugs.
They felt like they gave me understanding, peace, love, unity, awesomeness, and respect, knowledge and empowerment. Things I don't have right now, this is why I chase them so much, drugs opened doors within myself I couldn't open without them, so I have been thrown out of heaven, and the key is somewhere closeby. I can have those things without drugs! Not to say that if I unlocked that door it would be like I am on drugs all the time, I would just be being, better, than usual.

So, what's holding me back right now from feeling good? my mind and body feel attatched to previous experiences that made me feel bad, I learnt what those things were, and they became apart of the individual I see myself to be now, how do I know that the person I imagine myself to be is true? It goes by what has happened to my mind and body in the past, and I believe that my body and mind are apart of who I am.
There is love, empowerment, beauty, respect, awesomeness within myself. There is also unhappiness, self-loathing, denial, paranoia... there is a massive list of negativity that I could create for myself. But these things are unrealistic because they get me further into negativity. How do I know that all these things I imagine myself to be, are real? they feel real, they make an impact on my way of living, they must be real.

So why is there negativity on something I consider real? Is that why it isn't real at all? because it's negative? Any object is pure, free of negativity, only what I think it is.
The self I imagine myself to be is negative, and it feels real, but it cannot be real, because it isn't there, there isnt such thing as a negative object.
So, who am I?
I am who I want to be, and choosing negativity to be is invalid because it cannot be real. Therefore, I am not real.

Who can I be?