not very creative

feeling like shit for a little while now, despite how much I have been learning, it makes it seem that my only goal is out of reach. Knowing that, having goals, working towards something is actually pointless. I feel like I have nowhere to turn.
For quite a while I was a little under content with my situation, being much more active in my life and getting things done. However, the recent hasn't been very fulfilling.
Why?
I'm not even sure right now, it seems like even though I get things done, I end up in the same place of unhappiness, even when I get what I want, it doesn't seem to make me content.
I have always known that any objects, and any event or activity, will not make me any more content. Things that are external to my experience don't have any purity or inpurities, they are merely exsisting, simply just there, which means they cannot bring good faith or fortune.
Jobs, cars, money, these things most men desire, things I desire. These things are handy, but are not my answer.
My ego seems to think that, if I get a certain way of life, and a certain way of being, that I will be fulfilled and set to explore my own destiny. I know that the holistic reality is something I desire, but that desire is the thing that blocks my happiness.
I crave happiness, I desire to just be content with the way things are.
Just by wanting it so much completely blocks it.
I cannot be content because of the way things are...
Things disturb me, some of the things I indentify with..
Actually, the people I indentify with disturb me!
My whole way of living disturbs my inner peace.
I ask myself, why can't I just be? I crave to just be happy, and show that to everyone I am around. I want to actively participate in the greatest of conversations.
Instead people are literally weireded out by my mere presence.
Those who are open minded enough seem to get temporarily poisoned with my tounge.

So.. if wanting inner joy is the thing that blocks it, how else can I go about it? The reason I crave this so much... well, I believe that the reason I crave this holistic reality is because of my mother. Her own quest for inner peace was present in my knowledge the whole time I knew her, whether she knew she was looking for it or not, I'm not sure anymore.
The mere fact that she was missing her own inner peace may have drafted onto myself, and once I partook in real life, I realised that I too have much inner work to do.
My time in Cunderdin was similar to a prison. I was still very young when I left Perth, while I thought I was fine in year 8, going to cunderdin made everything so apparent.
I became horribly depressed, when I think about this to myself now it doesn't seem that important, I know that it's unhealthy to dwell in the past, and that I must let go if I want to proceed. Whatever happened to me back then, May have been stored in my brain, causing a long-term release effect, which in turn made me go on this depressive journey of screwing around with a bunch of people on the same trip.
I found a journal that belonged to me in year 9, It was filled with a long depressive, and suicidal note, which also has my age written in.
I don't actually remember writing this, this made me realise that I must have so much supressed rage, anxiety, depression, and basic crappiness, stored within my ego and mind.

So, this has happened to me. My mind probably couldn't handle all the supression, and may have exploded within me, which caused my ego to appear as weak and damaged.
What do I do from here, if I know that my desire for inner peace is being blocked by that desire, and the desire has come from watching my own mother attempt this, and having a step father who expelled a lot of anger unpon me...
That almost doesn't seem relavent.
How could a person married to my mother have such an impact on my life when all he did was be a cunt? I cannot remember how I used to react to him. Did I fight back at him? did I just accept the cruelty and not do anything about it? and cower away in a corner until the yelling stopped? Could it have been both?
And what would that have to do with myself now? what damage did it cause?
I never liked the man, he was around 6 foot 1, dark grey hair, and very baby blue eyes. He was a strong catholic, and he believed in supression of any kind of threat towards his power.
Mum was sick for a very long time with her cancer, I never knew how to deal with this threat to my family, I was young, what was I expected to think?
Paul, my step father, obviously thought he knew what to do about this, and became my mothers protector from her own children.
Both me and my sister were lazy children, this is what Paul used to abuse us about most. The fact we were lazy, and did nothing to help our mother. It is true, but I do not regret this, living with such a tyrant made me feel insecure in my own home, my own place that should have been peaceful. No wonder I was lazy, nothing in the house felt like it was truely mine to look after, even my mother.
Because of my own lack of power at that stage to help my mother, he felt like he had to step in, he had to do something, right? maybe it wasn't the best course of action to take, but if he did nothing, what kind of husband would he have been?
This instilled the depression in me, not being able to help and being abused for it. Absolute hopelessness, the one who gave birth to me had death growing inside her, what could she do? before she died, she told me that she did not fear death. This stirred a question in me, why would you not fear that? it's the worst thing anyone can have!
Mum had the battle of her life, she battled the cancer as hard as she could, any kind of treatment was always an option, she went to many doctors, many other types of healers, she went to see so many people in her battle. It consumed her life.
She also had 2 kids to look after, how could she do that by herself? one of the deadliest enemies was here to destroy her, how could she give love and happiness to her children?
She needed aid, she married my step father.
This man must have cared... he married a dying woman! everyone is dying ofcourse, but no one should have to be given a date of death.
No wonder he wanted so much of my mothers money, he believes that he did all the work in helping her, he must have helped pay for so much treatmeant to get her better.
While he was selfish and cruel in my eyes, he believed he was making the battle easier for my mother!
if only I didn't learn to supress my inner strength when it was needed.
similar to how its needed now, i'm at the pinnicale of life and im unhappy with it.

I have been taking my meds, and seeing the semi psych regularly, and when I leave that place I feel worse than before, I plan to start seeing a transpersonal counsellor. Works with experience rather than supression. and that is also my career goal.

With understanding comes knowledge, with knowledge comes indentity, with indentity comes truth, with truth comes the peace of mind.