Finding myself where I was before

Things have been a little darker in late,
Especially with this heat, constant heat exhaustion and soaked in sweat and dirt, burned and even scarred.
That isn't the true issue here, even though you're usual robot would blame this, it certainly does not help. Not one little bit.
Nor does the recurrent barrage of bills, long hours and fuck all money.
I put myself here, nobody else.
So I curse it.
Yell and scream, ask it why and how you did this!
I beat it, rape it, confuse it, thrash and mash it, deprive it of all health and wellbeing.
Drown it, confuse it some more, strangle it, beat it again.
Shake it by the shoulders and yell;
WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS!?
It proceeds to plead with me, giving me answers after answers, telling me why it did everything, why it was responsible, trying to end the constant beating and pain.
After every answer, at the very glimpse of an attempt to give me releif for my responsibility, I beat it again.
It's not good enough, you worm! HAVE SOME MORE BRUTALITY!
I ram a fist into it's stomach.
I wonder if it will ever die, I have been hitting this motherfucker with nukes, and yet it persists, complains of it's beating.
This role can even reverse, if it ever breaks free..
WHY DID YOU FUCK ME UP YOU SONOFABITCH!
thus the beating continues, just, against the other.
Don't even ask about more cunts jumping into the brawl.

It is neither pretty or fun.

Only for sadistic viewers on the outside, and my own fiendish desires for acceptence within this fuck hole of a society.
The true self loathing comes when you are so frightened, so powerless to even see the very first step. And for some of us, that step can take a very long time.
True pain is being completely blind;
And being afraid of being blind.

I try to look back and find where I had my first taste of fear and pain. I look and find several times where I felt defeated and destroyed, beaten and completely fucked.
So many times I have chucked a hissy with myself and left it for dead.
It's way too hard, for the time being, to distinguish where it was (externally) and the type of pain, the force of the pain (internally).

Regardless, it is late and I must rest, the veichle is running low and the driver is armless and drunk. And morally confused, blinded with hatred and self disgust.
In reality, it's for no reason at all...