I do have pleanty of time..

So I haven't been well lately, not at all. That's the truth.

The ever-sickening sensation of a rusty spoon shoveling it's way out of my chest definatly doesn't help.
Knife spoon.. whatever.

I feel so lost and hurt without that specific net. There's no security for my own libido.
And perhaps that's the trick. Having that certain space there generates a big window on who I really am, instead of having it cradled like it once was.
Having that net covers up a lot of suffering..
And without that net the real pain is just starting to come up, and the story fit's it perfectly.
It's not just this story either, the root of it goes right back.. something to do with my own issues with actually accepting someone and being so close, my gut tells me it's something to do with a mothers love..
With no security, the ego is left standing by itself, and it may hide, it cover's it's tracks very well. But there's no cover, so it's even more scared of what could happen. Perhaps dimishing something it holds very close..
And I worry what will happen if I do get to the bottom of this, what will happen? I don't wan't to settle down just yet, or do I? Will I?
Where is that pesky thorn?
Will I die if I take it out? Or will it's poison slowly kill me?
And what's the juice I'm getting out of this?
That I don't have to really be with someone so close like before, I can't trust someone like I ever did. I cannot love someone like I ever did.
So it turns out I'm a real victim of someone elses issues, and a victim of my It.
And the story behind it?


Bah.
Beats me, that's just one theory.