Hurt.

I'm at a loss of words, somehow I cannot seem to explain myself, not here. Not now.
To find the words to fully explain how I feel without blaming someone else or beating myself up is horrible. It hurts.
I find myself on a desperate search for freedom. And somehow, I can't trust a single person in the world with my absolute pain and sorrow.
The only person to ever be so close is so far away. I want solace, and I wish to confide in someone somehow. I guess I never really learnt to give myself to someone in that way. To just let go and let them see who I really am. I feel that I have to defend myself to the point where I must never cry, I must never ever let anyone I know see me feeling so defenceless and helpless. Not even my family.
Perhaps I once had this bond with mum, and now that she is gone I lost all bonding with anyone, no deeper sense of really letting someone love me for any state I am in.

This pain is so deep, so hidden from view that it stops me from going deeper into my self, into my peace.
Serenity will only be present when there is nothing more to cling to, as beings in the Western culture we are brought up to believe that we must hide, cover up. We cannot ever really be truthful to ourselves, or responsible for the pain and hurt we have felt and thus a dull sense of ache and lust for peace over rules. We become dead to our true nature which is pure and full of compassion and love. We cannot become enlightened to our nature until we have let go of the pain we forgot to feel when the moment arrived. We block pain, we block sorrow at a time of great tragedy. A sense of numbness and disconnectedness becomes present. And the longer we wait, the more dull it becomes. The more dull it becomes, the more unreal we are. Suffering.