Apologies

Apologizing to friends and work friends is one thing, apologizing to you're parents and actually making it a heart felt one, which restores the relationship is another.

I can try again after I have slept. I don't want the apology to get the repetitive feedback I usually get after admitting my faults to him. The same old kind of "I could have told you that" or "you are wrong, I am right, this is how you should do it" kind of response.
It just illicit the whole parents are always right and you should listen to them because this is how the western culture rolls. I might agree with the same rule but in different cultures, just not this one. Not with the kinds of people it produces. That's not to say other cultures wouldn't ever have "bad people", it's particular to this culture to spawn a mass amount of mind controlled idiots who think they are really free.
It's hard being a young adult who is "outside of the box" or, rather learns and experiences certain subjects and a different set of belief systems. Their version of happy is more of a understatement of the actual feeling itself. The mind produces a happy thought program which determines the users idea of happy, and this experiences that emotion according to that thought process. The flaw here is that we have too much trust in what the mind says about happiness, there hasn't been any further real investigation of what happy can really feel like, or if there's any higher level of the emotion. If thoughts produce emotions, which we express to our fellow people, then we have to take another look on what we think is happy, and really ask you're heart if this is what you want. Because if it isn't, and the happy you feel is not what you really want, or perhaps there is no element of happy at all, I don't know. The main point is recognition and responsibility for determining you're own attitudes towards you're self and other people, and what you can do to smile even more every day. Not just sit around in the same slum as if "you've figured it out" and that you have had you're youthful time in the spotlight. "been there done that" is something I hear from the older generation. In some cases that might be true, and if the parent really has been there, then they step into the perspective of their children or other relatives, and really feel for who they are. My father might have grown like I do, like every other human being, and he may experience similarly, but the man has no experience of really looking at it from anothers perspective, not just mine and my sisters, but others. If someone See's from another individuals point of view exactly, and understands or at least feels a slight compassion or love for that person, then a positive learning relationship is reached. This appears to just not be the case of the older generation. I see the relationships he has with random people, the people he works with, plays sport with, and even telemarketers over the phone. I have not seen a drop of compassion from this man, and I have never had a male role model as such that ever has shown me what it means to be a man, but also to feel compassion without becoming a "sap".

This is in no way directed to be insulting at the generation old fogies, however I think it's a pretty damn informative insight that they should look into. The whole jaded bullshit just won't work, and it never will. And it pisses me off that I have to rely on such a being for life, I have to live by his rules and whatnot because I cannot yet sustain myself to live desperate from his support. He loves me in some way or another, but he has a fucking poor way of showing it. However it would be worse of me to be critical of his self expression when mine is at his standard, even if it is mostly learnt from him or my ex step father, still my responsibility to make my own life positive and to stop leaning on his shoulder.

I do not want to apologize if all i get is a pity talk from the "wise old man" who has never felt compassion. Again, I do not deny that he is unable, more that what he has for the moment is insufficient and mostly conditional. Everything he does for me is on the condition that I be a responsible child and make him proud. Quite possibly one of the most fatal errors a parent can ever make wither their child, because it's probably that same love that teaches a child to also love, and as they grow older it is passed on again and again, the same process of how this family does things.
I do not want his sympathy vote, I do not want the attachment of being a "child" who has to obied by the rules which govern the minds of western cultural men. My uncle is the same, if not worse. I want his compassion, and I too want to express that to him from myself. I can visualize a golden like dust that floats off a persons body just by expressing my own resources of compassion. Father might have taught me so many things about how to live, as the same with mother and the extra randoms who tell themselves we're family, I learnt from other areas.

To really let my father know how much he means to me is tough, because it opens up apart of my emotional body that has not been opened in a very long time, as if it were sealed with special protection codes and large steel doors and framing. And having to heave the door open, it can feel like forever and quite possibly painful, and what would happen if it were to be hurt again. It could easily destroy what relationship we have left.

I have a lot to apologize for, I had one shit day and I expressed anger towards each house hold member, and the affect on the whole house's atmosphere was incredible. And horrible.
No one is happy and I know now how much my actions can influence others, and how ridiculous it is that no one even knows how to lift the dark cloud from their vision. Not with western culture.
It pains me that the house is like this, and if I leave, what would happen with my sister? It could fall apart even more.

I think there is a quite simple, yet complex solution to this kafaffle and rukkus, and I will find the strength somehow to find it. Even the brightest of people have shades covering vision and insight.
And I hate being the one sometimes, because everything is all up to you, and that amount of responsibility for any person is huge. We are responsible for the world and universe we reside in. Not everyone really knows the full extent, most people in western culture probably don't, but I think the whole "new age spiritual" label we have been given is beginning to become the way of life. Perhaps there are many others like me who have succeeded.

I would love their advice and inspiration right now, because i'm hanging by a thread.