Some brutal painful honesty

I hate to sound like the poor "why me" victim, I hate to sound like im pathetic, useless and alone. I cannot stand it. And it does persist. It hurts.

Feelings of rage tend to come up, feelings of jelousy and spite towards my friends and family.
I commonly get the contradiction. "well you are just as bad" thus justifying my own faults. It does not get me anywhere, just more of the same.
Jelousy is probably the worst, and guilt. I watch friends who seemingly achieve the things I desire most, and it makes me feel so upset. I feel as though its my humanly right to be having those jewels of acceptence. And yet I dont, and the jelousy does not cure it at all, the desire to become better than they are at the skill of social interaction makes it all the worse. Second place is not good enough, and it is only my hurt that even stops me from it.
I make it mean all kinds of irrational things. And it chews up my own self worth and respect. I become weak, and i feel withdrawn and in pain. In agony.

Sometimes I feel like I'm blind. My eyes themselves are fine but I can feel a fog or a shrowd covering my internal vision. and in some cases on amounts of hallucinogenic, the dark field of resistance actually appears.
And perhaps it is why I see small fuzzy circles in my eyes, when i look at bright colours (the sky especially) like those you see in some photographs.

Finding the answers to my own dismay with a logical train of thought is hopeless. I cant trust my own mind when it has lead me down a path of agony. This process of personal transformation is much more, and I have to feel it, with my own heart, spirit and soul.

Day after day, the same process occurs and I always get the same results.
I hate to sound pathetic, but thats whats real for me now. even if it's self inflicted.
I wish my friends would understand, I wish my family understands, the people in my life. and perhaps on some level they might, or maybe they think they do.
After some experiences I became so withdrawn. And i cannot blame that person, and i do deep down, and its probably the same reason why i am so jelous too.
who knows.

I just know in my heart there is better.