new beginings? ive lost the fucking plot.

It's been a while since I posted. a lot has happened in the time between now and the last post..
problem is, i can hardly recap on most of it.
which is why, I have decided to post more.

my social life has taken a bad hit. the past few weeks have gone like a giant blur.
We went to a doof, 2 or 3 weeks ago. I had taken acid a few times before, and I know what to expect from the drug. but, I got taken by surprise this time. i took 2 tabs which were weakish, but they still confused the hell out of me. Suppose it didnt help smoking a fuckload of cones on the comeup.

I ventured to this doof with my "trusted" friends, cheyanne, kenny, tim and kat. We also brought some newer friends: sally, skye and elise. on the way there I remember thinking "fuck, me and tim are the only ones with experience here" which in the end, was one downfall: I didn't have anyone with a true sensible mind with me.

Getting there was no problem, I parked tims car in a kinda silly place, right near the generator, kennys was a lil further down, and we set up our tent half way between the cars. While kenny was starting that up, I went on a hunt for mushrooms, thinking back on it now, I was in a true fools mind.

I asked around, and most people said that there would be some later. However, my friend korey found me some acid. red rovers or something, so i bought 2 and chucked them in straight away. I then proceeded back to the tent to help kenny set up, where he was having problems putting the pegs into the ground. A croation hippy walked past and offered to help, and used an axe to thump the pegs in. I remember thinking he was russian. I got bored of trying to help kenny with the stupid tent, and went and watched the fire poi that was being displayed. I remember elise had a little flashing object of somekind, and kept teasing with me it, moving it fast around my face, the lsd was starting to kick in, everything was getting blurry, especially the the object that had flashing light. I tried to grab at it, but it didnt work.

I think i then proceeded to the car with tim to have a seshun in the car, I had brought 4 hefty sticks with me. We then moved the growing sesh (joined by everyone else who came along in our cars) into the now half standing tent. I remember smoking a lot of bongs.. as i dont like leaving a chop sitting there, especially if its mine. others smoked.

The tent stage peaked, as we had many little coloured lights, some attatched to our fingers, and we all flittered them around the tent, Myself and kenny were greatly amused by this (he was also on acid at this stage) because it looked like a crazy disco tent. looking at all the flashing lights running around on the tent walls and ceiling. I probably could have done, and been amused by this all night, but everyone else left the tent once the chop was finished. Myself, was incredibly paranoid at this stage. Smoking cones in most environments scares me, doofs were usually fine, but I realised its usually who i smoke with, and the quantity, and equipment, that makes the high good or bad. I decided to stay in the tent, with the passed out tim (who was coming down from a pill i had sold him earlier) and sally, who had aquired lsd also, and was trippin fuck) we then entertained ourselves by playing with the random strings hanging from the walls of the tent.. for god knows how long. and also by playing with eachothers hands. I remember saying how it was creating neurosomatic energy between us. after a while I think people came into the tent and tried to get us out. a lot of confusion happened, but I came out. It was the scariest jump in my life. Although, I think the only reason I came out was kenny offering me a beer.

For those who dont know what doofs are, they are parties out in the bush, people set up dj tables and funky lighting, lots of people rock up all for a good time.

I remember looking around once outside the tent, and thinking "what the fuck..?" and having no clue where my brain was. Kenny came back with the beer, and I decided I should eat a pill, so I could start moving around a bit more. I thought i gave kenny a pill also, but he denys it. So I stood outside the tent and next to the car with elise, and taught her some stuff on drugs and some other knowledge I had aquired from my study on the mindset of drugs, everything with it.

I remember walking along one of the gravel roads and seeing someone who had made a bonfire, 3 or 4 guys were sitting around it, to keep warm in the cold night. we decided to join them, I cant remember any of their names. I remember conversing with them about the crappiness of the government and how awesome this paticular scene and moment was. also, it had turned out that they were good mates with the guys party it was.

I soon left there to try and venture more. It's all faded to me now. eventually I came back to the tent. thats when things started going crazy.

It had become light, and I didnt want to look at myself, I felt incredibly confused (i had taken 3 tabs at this stage, and more cones) and scared, about people looking at me. I felt like a disgrace to them all, and that i had become a mental parasite, infecting people with my incredibly confused and deadly mindset. known as Magusitis.

It had become day, as i lay sprawled out on the tent floor, and seeing a frog, im not sure whether it was real or not, but I remember thinking it was a sign, that I had to go piss. that the frog was telling me I needed to urinate. thus, I ventured out, walked some way into the bush and got paranoid, and couldnt piss, and remember thinking someone yelling that they could see me. I ran back to the tent, and tried to cool down.

at this stage everyone who was in our cars was back in the tent, and also our friend kixxy was in there. I felt better with people around, but still incredibly infectious. Sally kept babbling the crap I refused to say, and I remember thinking that people were getting offended. there was a lot of bad noise, my mind shut most of it out.

I then ventured back outside, to again try and take a piss. I continued back up to the highway, where no one but passing cars would see me. and by god, It felt good. but I couldnt help but think that it was poison, everything that came out of me was poison. I began to be able to literally smell the poison in me, and fuck it was horrible. (i can still remember and feel the smell, to this moment)

I returned to near the tent, and sat around and kinda made conversation with some people, but paranoia kept getting the better of me. we drove back to tims after packing all of our stuff back up, and kept going more nuts there. and it began to infect everyone else, the guilt that had struck me was horrible. but thankfully, i wasnt the only one spreading it. so I wasnt the full blame.. i hope.

I was supposed to drive some of them home, but they kept saying I was unable to drive, which got on my nerves something fucking chronic. I knew i could drive, but there was so much to go with it, like making them trust me, then coming back after dropping them off and figuring how i was meant to get home (i had to leave tims car there) so much responsibility had grown on me, it fucked up my body and my mind, and i spat the dummy. completely.

The girls got a lift home from another friend who hadnt been with us, and I stayed the night at tims. it annoyed me but I knew it was the easier option for my state. somehow, i managed to sleep.

next day was a mission getting home, but I made it.


my conclusion to this, the lsd still hasnt really left my brain, I can't communicate with people properly in most situations. its been a steady decline into insanity but now its just gone out the window. there were some rules i didnt follow with taking the trips, which i regret. I regret the whole thing. but I also learnt a lot from it. enough to be able to have one last attempt on getting my life on track. I learnt that everything from the acid trip, was indeed trying to show me something, something i needed to change or learn, all the answers were in my visuals and in my mind. and also my body.

so far its been a couple of weeks.. and I havent really made much changes yet, but some. better than none. but I do know, if i dont get it right this time, i'll probably lose my life in this plane of reality.

One of the things I need to do is get more of my shit out in the open, which is why im writing here, i know it looks absolutely crap, and probably doesnt make much sense, but give me a break! cooked my brain from every drug ive ever had. my mind races quite quickly also.

so there you go. you'll be hearing from me again soon.