..

My mind and life has reached a certain point.. and i havent much clue about what to about it.

It's the oddest way to be.. It's hard to describe. Nothing really makes it into my memory banks, life keeps flying past me and I can't help but feel unaware. Like im not present here and now and im just floating through everything. my eyes are open but I can't see, im listening but I can't hear.

What caused this.. i'm not really sure, a huge mixture of things. I've seen enlightenment several times, but after it all happens, weeks down the road, I settle into not-being.
there are small moments where I remember to focus, to be here and now and feel it. but eventually I just fall back into nothing without even noticing.

It wouldn't worry me so much if i didnt think other people knew about this state of mind (and they must know, even if im having paranoid delusions)
I feel like it comes out in my speech, body language, the lot. and my social life suffers cause of it.
is it all the drugs? maybe... Drugs do certain things to youre brain which brings you to certain understandings, apiphoneys, certain ways of seeing life. But how could those things bring you so far back into nothing?

Most of this I try to blame on my unbringing.

There are 8 circuits (so far) to the human biocomputer...
http://www.erowid.org/culture/characters/leary_timothy/leary_timothy_8-circuit.shtml

as it explains, the first 4 are all "normal", every human achieves these in their lives. I can't help but wonder what damage has been done to mine. if any at all.
It also makes me think... what damage has been done to the people I hang around most? the power trips some of them have are fucking rediculous, the power trips I HAVE are also rediculous.
As it also says, the upper 4 are similar to the lower, but are much better versions of, or something along those lines. When I go to experiment with new levels (taking lsd for 6, and possible 7 brain circuitry) things can get extremely hectic. so, in other words, it means that if i get to number 6, my number 2 is in action, but a much more heightened sense of it. if i cant fully percieve what is happening (body, mind, soul) then it means my number 2 circuit has certain imprints that wont allow me to fully get into number 6. I want to achieve these, not for power.. but to fully feel myself, so i can be who I really am instead of this zombie like state ive come to.

I have also read that what im experiencing is "soul loss" when it goes to a place called "darkmoor"
http://deoxy.org/cc-chap3.htm

It says how the writer believed that they were "demon possesed" mine is, am I living poison? it is pretty much the same idea, that youre here living, but you have some kind of putrid evil inside you, and leaks out of every pore of the skin. sometimes I believe that im infecting other people that listen to my words, cause theyre all able to be influenced. no matter how smart or strong the person is, my words act like a virus.
which brings me to magusitis. which is a "meme"
description of a meme from deoxy..
"A contagious information pattern that replicates by parasitically infecting human minds and altering their behavior, causing them to propagate the pattern. An idea or information pattern is not a meme until it causes someone to replicate it, to repeat it to someone else. All transmitted knowledge is memetic"
http://deoxy.org/meme/Magusitus

I've tried to explain what I know about it to my friends, but they usually don't listen, or say im paranoid. and, to be honest, I think theyre just in denial about it. or just that stupid that they dont even see the links. or is what i'm trying to tell them, infact, me replicating the virus onto them?

It shows that theres ways to get rid of it, but even then, i wont be safe from it afterwards. it can always work its way back into my mind.
It pisses me off that I have such trouble with this stuff. meditating for example. I can't seem to ever settle my mind once I start. I then get worried that im trying to force it too much (most of the time im not, as i know how to not force it) but even then it gets hard to keep trying.

until next time...