It's annoying

I keep bugging myself, why I can't fit into society properly, what is it about my mentality that stops me from being out there.
It's probably nothing. I'm just not meant to be "cool" like the rest of you.
NO fucking god damn it, i'm not god damn happy with being a nerd, or some other sterotype that puts a big stamp on my forehead saying "i'm uncool, avoid at all costs".

Then again, it's not that either.
It MUST be something in my mind, something to do with previous programming that puts me back here.
What do I have to do to go back, and reprogram to make myself fit in right? What do I have to do to be able to say the right things at the right time, to stay within that flow of communicable energy? keeping the spirit of trust and respect, happiness, alive?
It never seems to be alive, I generally bore people out of their skull? or what I say just doesn't interest them.

I keep tracing it back to the fact I feel like a god damn zombie, or a robot. Has my soul just flittered away with horror of what I see, think, and feel? I remember the first time I came to thinking about why I'm so fucked up, at tims house on pills. I remember connecting things to do with my parents and family to myself, they were a certain way, which fused, and made me a certain way.
their unknown became something they lived with, and thats what I saw, and now its me, and I have something unknown. It replicates.

I am 18 years old, turning 19, I've experienced and live circuits 1 through 6. I just hope that either, I manage to learn to go back and make different imprints before I fully mature, or that being fully matured doesnt make everything concrete.
I don't want to fail like everyone else I've known and cared for has. even if its the whim of the universe, I'll fight it until i'm given reason for another course of action.
I want to buy a book called
angel tech: a modern shamans guide to reality selection http://deoxy.org/review_angeltech.htm

Hopefully this book will help me. When I get it.