Things of CONCERN

Because my life, is quite a wreck at the moment (I don't really see it as a wreck, I try to stay mediocre or optimistic on this, but to society, it's a wreck) I've decided to jot down the things I should be concerned about, this way, I will have a list to refer back to when I start asking myself why I FAIL at life.

Work! (need better resume, one of those stupid letter things)
- Whether I should try studying again or find something else, eg labour, apprentice
- What would I study!? the only thing i've really studied beforehand is computer tech.. maybe could do that, or graphic design..
- Always had a goal of being a boilermaker, working up north, drinking a fuckload and being a generally awesome blokey tradesman. With the way the economy and all that bullshit is atm, that will fail.
My health
- I can constantly feel mucus build up at the back of my throat, thus causing me to cough, and make other lovely noises
- I'm unfit as fuck, and my arms aren't nearly as strong as they were when I worked with my uncle.
- Random muscle spasms or shakes, probably caused by copious amounts of ritalin
- sleep. I need more of it, this week so far, I think I will manage 5 hours a night, but it's really hard to know how many hours I actually get. Sometimes I remember important fragments of my dreams, which become more real every time, but just this week I haven't remembered any at all.
MENTAL health
- I think this area may require the most work, as it's the mind that makes most the important decisions about how good life is, and the body co-operates (the body just doesn't have a loud voice(s) like my mind does). I have smoked weed everyday for approximately 4 years, not lightly on any of those days. Eaten pills (mdma, mda, mdx etc) every weekend for the better part of a year. and acid only 2 handfuls within 6 months. Ritalin every day for about 6 months, and a little bit of dexies, valium, nitrous, pcp, 2cb, cocaine, speed.. other random little drugs I can't remember.
I know that theres many others who have done further more, and maintained themselves in society, and kudos to those brave soldiers, I can't really pinpoint what makes them better than myself with these issues, what I do know is that I had a rather poor upbringing, being told that things were alright and not to worry (when I probably should have worried, and been apart of the sitautions at hand instead of being kept in the dark), family history goes with a lot of depression and cookedness. I rather stay away from most of them, they have been nothing but a bad influence on my life... well.. almost. I can thank them for making me such a generous person, but even that has downfalls, for the giver and then reciever.

Social LIFE
- I believe that everything above, mixed together creates how much of a contributer you are in the social and work side of things.
Something I realised with my group of friends, that none of them seem to treat eachother like actual friends. One of my.. and few others in the groups ex's said that to me not long ago.
"i decided that none of u treated me like a friend, a proper friend, and im really over that part of my life and im not going to jepordise my potential again by making the same mistakes over and over again."
This shows me a few things, that an outsider who came in and observed us, didn't feel involved, like many of us do anyway. It shows me that we all also keep falling for our same mistakes, our own personal fuck-ups that we don't want to leave because it makes us, who we are. That ex has been damaged from seeing what we were like, faceless people with every whim to try and survive, even if we have to destroy other people... whether we know it or not.

I won't say none of us are happy, cause I think that some of us are, certainly not me.
Out in the "bigger picture" (eg, northbridge, other places of mass socialness) my group friends mostly struggle to "fit in" with the people I know from out there, not really a bad thing, they may just be "different", but what concerns me more is their, and my own nerve to keep at trying to fit in. I made my mark with those people, they know me, but I doubt they respect me, not fully anyway, only because I can't fully be involved with everything and everyone, I want to keep part of me mine. Ahhhh...



What else...

I think thats about it.. apart from other little things (that really aren't worth mentioning, but still will need to be delt with, eg. keeping my room clean, parents happy, house clean, maintaining a good vibe around the place etc).