What have I done?

I've forced the resentment of my friends and family, not only to myself, but also between them.
It scares me to know that, even if I manage to get myself out, and be free.. that some people will be left with the pain, the fear, and not know a damn thing about it. It hurts knowing that I caused some of it, if not all of it... it hurts knowing that I have watched some people who didn't have this contagious bullshit before, catch it, and slowly, but surely sink into it, and I have to watch, and know if I try to help, it makes it worse.

I know that it's their responsibility to help themselves if they feel that they aren't in the right place, and also their, and my responsibilty to be able to fend off self destructive frames of mind, but none of them are smart enough! not 1 of them. I don't want to be afraid.

I remember so many times that I felt I had overcome myself, become enlightened, awakened, and become the observer. So many times I have celebrated awesomeness with my friends, but now when I think back to it, I was just pushing myself further and further into self denial, letting the drugs bring me to my picture of perfect, and then capturing that moment, and believeing I was god. I was so wrong. I couldn't really see what was happening, I couldn't see both sides of the yin yang, for so long I pushed myself into a make believe scenario, and loved it. And came back down to my settled point, and think to myself, how horrible I was, compared to the image I was in earlier, with the drugs in my system. And every time I pushed my centre further down into nothing, believeing it was nothing. And that the perfect me was up in the stars, somewhere unreachable. Most people live by the glass being half full, and half empty. I think about this as if we had 4 pictures, 2 showing the top of a glass, and another 2 showing the bottom, 1 of each is full, and the other 2 empty. You can move them around however you want. And, obviously cause a persons life changes all the time, only one card is swapped over, depending if they feel more happier than sad, more half full than half empty.
So... what happens if one leaves the glass full for so long, and then suddenly made it fully empty? or vice versa? or.. What if you fully fucked around with gravity, making the top half of the glass full, and the bottom empty, defying gravity. But then again, this isn't an actual glass with actual liquid.. is it?
Perhaps that metaphor is rather crap for life. I now deem anyone who uses it to be stupid, cause it doesn't really work. it can be fucked around with too much by people like me.

People's mind's are far too complicated to be compared with a glass being half full and half empty. Oh, it's much deeper than a full bottle of liquid.
This is what annoys me, about the whole world. The more crazy issues have been left alone, because some assholes think that drug people are wrong. Drugs can be wrong, without guidence, without confidence and all the other strong personality traits, the ones that make people happy. More research must be done into how drugs interact with someone who is mentally confused/unstable. Even the ones who are in denial about being stupid. Or otherwise. These people, taking drugs is very dangerous not only to themselves, but also to others. Even without drugs a person with negative traits can go nuts. It wouldn't be hard to solve these problems either, if someong with psych smarts had watched me my entire life, many answers to many peoples issues could have been answered, with not WHAT to do with their lives. How they shouldn't raise and influence others.

I am the prime example of what you shouldn't do. One thing that I have chased all my life, is power, power beyond anyones imagination. First I wanted it so I could kick everyones ass, and still do.. but why would I want that? Because... something that shouldn't be there, is there, and it wont fit into the slot properly, because of that.


Going to the doctors today, get my results for my heart and for sexually transmitted virus's and infections. Also, to ask for some mental HELP!