Formido

Headache, shitting something foul.
Legs are burdened with the rest of my body to Carry.
Feeling so ill, I gave my sister my script to get for me, and she does not return.
I worry for her, she has so much love and yet she shows so much disrespect and negativity to the ones that look after her.
Only in this world will the loved ones be punished without any true good reason.
Only in this world will it be the children who rebel against the parents, who only "care" about one another.
There is something so thick between us now, that every time I look, I burst into anger and flame.
Somethings there that's been generated only by the people involved unknowingly, and now suffer the consequences of ignorance and disrespect.

I feel so slow today, burdened by even my beloved xbox.
A very short fuse, and I want to fix it.
It's incredible to want to make a situation better without knowing the actual cause. Especially when a lot of things contribute.
Sickness
Stress (leaving one job, starting the next on Monday)
Weening off lexapro..

Sitting on this pile of garbage and whinging about the fact it smells here is pointless. Might as well clean it up or bugger off elsewhere. No one likes someone who screams "Look at me! this pile of shit is fucking rank and I'm sitting on it! help me! please help! I don't know what to do!"

Well, at least I know what this pile of shit contains now.
Obviously, it's a pile of shit. Chunks of corn, maybe a bit of carrot, possibly some blood.
Metaphorically it contains my financial issues and personality dis-ease.
The amount of progress with myself I have made over the past 6 months is incredible, and every step I take makes the next seem so easy.
On these days though (which has been all week) It isn't comfortable.
Starts beating itself again.

I keep saying to myself
Just wait, you're time will come for happiness.
I find that those times come, but they also go.
The hardest part is knowing that if I sit around waiting, it will never come.
And if I go out to find it, that sometimes I do fail.
Those times I don't, are bliss.
Sometimes I will neither fail or succeed. I will have half of what I want and be content, and still have the smallest nagging voice saying that I should be somewhere else.

I have learned to silence the voice that tells me I am wrong, not ignore it, but diminish it.
I keep waiting for the times that I will be everything I ever wanted, and sometimes even surpassing those dreams. I have been there, felt my own beating heart and bouncing off the walls.
And then I come back to here, I find myself aching and lusting for more. For comfort in the harshest of realities I even created for myself.
Learning that we create our own reality was incredible, what's even more insane is knowing we can't not create our reality.
When you realise it is when you start to take control.


Maybe this is where her journey ended. Finding desire and having no idea where to go. Feeling the pain of her own attempts failing again and again. With a heart so full of love and a smile that could bring up any ones life. Her own life, was never as bright as it seemed.
She had her own family, and saw the pain and trouble it was in, and perhaps wondered if this was like anyone Else's family.
Maybe her family was just a nightmare, and everyone Else's a dream.
And she died for her cause. A martyr.
Her children were the ones she had to make sure survived. Whatever had killed her would not take her spawn. And her dying wish was that they found out where she went wrong, and find the answer to her prayers.
And that is where she ended. Knowing of great evil and somewhat of powerful love, but how to execute the one she wanted was never an easy task.

And neither is it of me, I do have a vast set of tools and some cool shit to mix it up with.
Formido may win me over,
I will never lose.