I've made a mess, in which I really don't want to clean.

Little man got the best of me.
Now I'm scared of the situation I have created, and the embarrassment along with it.

What sucks more is that I really see how I can be so selfish.
Seriously, put on a good show and wear a mask, the lost lunatics looking for a saviour will come running.
I feel somewhat guilty for taking advantage, so I best come clean about what my motives really are with her. I'm afraid of twisting the knife, however I don't know how it will turn out. So.. there is only one way to find out.
I guess you could say the feeling of regression is mutual, maybe not for the same reason, though. I want one thing and she another, both are related but different. And I do not want to give her what she wants, and at first she was too reluctant to give me what I wanted.
And when I got it.. in the 2 seconds it lasted.. (shoot me)
There was no more craving as such. And I'm still realising the impact of my actions and my perception of the whole deed itself.
Desire, master deceiver. A hydra in sheep's clothing.

The lust for that hit of orgasmic Ecstasy completely disappeared the second I came. If you called it an orgasm, This is how now I see that my desire for sex is the exact emotion that is ruining my libido and sexual function.
It's natural to love sex, but it depends which part you're in it for.
Like cocaine, part of the high is the chase, the ruthlessness of hunting, and as soon as that perfect dose is administered, or in my case, as soon as I make an entry, a quick sense of satisfaction comes and goes incredibly quickly. I was left with the aftermath of a slight satisfaction, my body was satisfied, however my emotion told me otherwise. I felt at a loss, much like being abandoned. The complete shock of losing something so precious was not even present, because it was not needed, rather it was utter disappointment and bereavement.

I have a feeling this is mutual, however in different ways, in the end it's the same pie we are both eating. For her, and for most women I get involved with it's more of a dependency on someone else to hold them high. Someone to carry their emotional baggage. Kind of like Jesus, or at least the symbol of Jesus. Someone who "understands" in reality has no time for depth in emotion, no explanation is necessary, rather it's "don't want to hear you're boring story, praise the lord and you're forgiven".
The woman has many different stories in which make her insecure in many ways, and somewhere there's this belief that if they find prince charming, everything will be okay, and this can be of a man, finding his princess. However for a woman there is something unusually distinct from a mans version of being nurtured. Perhaps this relates to the mother-son and maybe father-daughter complexes? If such a thing exists is unknown to me, I am not female, or possibly its a mother-daughter thing, and the difference resides elsewhere.

When I got my fix, she got hers at the very same moment. The connective and shared conscious between us shifted. Perhaps she wanted me to appear weak for her to cradle.
I'd rather not go into that, mainly because I am tired and my vision appears to be foggy in the area.. which means I got something there that needs clearing.
Maybe I want to be cradled.

However I need to tell her exactly what I wanted, and that was to get in and get out, and drop her at the curb. Because it could be-so easily done. However I will not be so harsh. Rather I'll tell her about this and let her know I'll be her friend but nothing more, there's something definitive about what happened that shook me way out of center.
So goodnight, I'll get to the bottom of this...